This is in no way medical or professional advice, just personal experience.
Last Wednesday found me immobile on the couch until 4PM, wallowing in the self pity that only a gruesome hangover can induce. Luckily, or shrewdly, I’d taken the day off of work in anticipation of a late night on Tuesday from an out-of-town event with a friend. When I finally rolled off the couch to stomach a veggie burger at dinner, I told my partner I was never drinking again, to which he responded with a raised eyebrow. In that moment, I really felt that I was telling the truth, that really, there was no way any one night with alcohol was worth putting my body through this pain, through this guilt. Looking back, I understand why he was suspicious of my declaration of sobriety.
This wasn’t the first time that I’d announced I was stepping away from alcohol for good, nor the first day wasted on a crippling hangover. The past few years I’ve been back on forth on the alcohol train, having a few drinks here and there for fun, overdoing it one night, going full-time sober cold turkey, inching back in with a glass of wine on a warm night, back to a night of over-indulgence, etc. etc. Each time I repeat myself, I try to dig into why I feel this way, why I always feel the need to deprive myself, or, on the flip side, why I feel the need to share that bottle with friends, and why my relationship with alcohol makes me feel like I don’t know myself, that it holds this moral power over who I am as a person and carries so much guilt.
To be very clear, I do not struggle with alcoholism, or with losing control or blackouts regularly. When I go to the doctor, my consumption of alcohol on a weekly basis falls within the acceptable, ‘normal’ amount. On average, I probably have about 3 glasses of wine per week. Sometimes more, sometimes none. Yet I still feel a lingering guilt when I drink, even though I enjoy it, some voice in the back of my head saying I shouldn’t, that it will make me fat, that it makes me weak, that it makes me stupid, that tomorrow I’ll be less productive. But the next day that same voice tells me that I won’t be able to relax without it, that the best way to make friends is to grab a drink, that I do love the way two glasses make me feel, that I actually love the taste of a nice Merlot with dinner. Does my consumption of alcohol somehow define me, define what kind of life I live? And is it just that I can’t make a decision about what kind of life I want?
But why does it have to have so much control over who I am? Why can’t I just have some tipsy nights out, some weekends where I drink with every dinner, and some months where I go sober? Why does it have to be all or nothing? And why do I feel so guilty or anxious about it either way? Why does it have to define a certain “kind of life”?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and I still probably haven’t gotten to the root of it yet, but one of the main underlying questions that I have is why do I drink? Why does anyone drink, really?
If I drink one glass of wine, I imagine that I will feel more relaxed, which I often do feel. At the same time, I’d also say that “I don’t feel anything” after just one glass. As in, I don’t feel tipsy or drunk. So is this ‘relaxation’ just psychological? If so, why not just convince myself that kombucha also relaxes me? But then why do I feel the need to switch out wine for kombucha? Doctors have touted having one glass of red wine per day as fine for our health, so why do I think that having kombucha would be “better”? As if what I consume can determine my morality. If one glass of wine does relax me (physically or just psychologically), then why should I feel the need to cut it out? Why do I need to feel guilty about it? Some argue that even one glass of wine can interrupt your sleep cycle, which is fair, but now I’m dealing with the problem that when I have one glass of wine with dinner, my guilt is ruining my sleep cycle. It’s as if I’ve already convinced myself that I’ve been bad, that I won’t have a good night’s sleep, and then my subconscious wakes me up enough to actually give me poor sleep. Who decided that one glass of wine is ‘bad’, but also who decided that wine is a necessary factor for a relaxing night of self-care? If I could just decide for myself what makes me happy, then who cares?
Sometimes, however, it’s not just one glass of wine, but half a bottle+. And I think the reasons for drinking this way are much different than having one drink for relaxation or with dinner. For me, the reason I drink this way is to “loosen up”. To make it easier to talk to people and to participate in social situations. But what does “loosen up” really mean? In some cases, it means that the words flow more easily. I say things without having to analyze everything that comes out of my mouth (i.e. the exhausting conversation analysis that’s a consequence of social anxiety). If I say something a little weird, it’s okay, because people know I’ve had a little bit to drink, and they probably have too (RE: my article on social anxiety here…). The issue with this is then that I start saying things that I wouldn’t when I’m sober. Now, is this a bad thing? If I don’t say them when I’m sober, does that mean I’m being a different person when I’m drinking? That I’m not being myself, not being authentic? OR does it mean that I can be more authentic, because I don’t have to put up a guard and act a certain way. Instead, am I just saying what I really think? “Drunk words are sober thoughts… “ or something like that.
Further, if we’re drinking to become someone that we’re not, is that a bad thing? Is it ‘bad’ to want to escape, to want to be someone different? When I do things that I wouldn’t normally do sober, is that drunk idiot really me, or is it just some random drunk, annoying girl who I have no responsibility for? Usually when I get to the point where I’m acting in a way that is very different to when I’m sober, this is when I feel guiltiest the next day. Because I don’t WANT to be that person. If you drink to escape who you are, then maybe the person you’re escaping to acts more like you want to be in sober life. But for me, it’s less of how I want to be. When I’m drinking a little and the words are flowing, I usually feel that’s who I want to be, saying the things I think. But after a few more drinks, I start saying things that I don’t actually think, un-thought-through things, that are just rude and annoying. And that’s not who I want to be.
Alcohol is a staple of how we socialize in our twenties and thirties in the Western world, but I’ve been seeing more of Gen Z stepping away from it to live a sober life. I think this might be why I’ve started questioning my rocky relationship with alcohol: because until someone did something different, I just went along with it all, festering in my guilt, thinking it was normal. The sober curious movement is, I think, great. But also it shouldn’t mean that everyone has to be sober for life. It shouldn’t make anyone feel bad about their own choices with alcohol if they can enjoy it in a balanced way. How can I make a decision for myself, without it dictating my whole identity, and making me feel anxious about either way I choose?
I don’t want to rely on alcohol to make me who I want to be. I want to be able to relax without wine and to say what I feel without a cocktail. Alcohol shouldn’t be a crutch. I also don’t want to be someone I don’t want to be, because at the end of the day, I am responsible for that drunk, annoying girl. I’m always me. I have the control. I do enjoy wine. I like a night out of dancing and cocktails (occasionally). But I think I will be taking alcohol more seriously, giving it more thought. I know I said I was thinking about it too much, letting it control me, but I think before I can have control over it, I need to take each sip or each ‘no thanks’ to heart. I need to listen to what I really want at that moment. There’s still more to explore, but for now balance, as it so often is, is the answer.
If you are struggling with alcohol, please contact a professional for help.
It's not you, co. 